This blog was supposed to be part of a series of blogs I started on give or take six months ago.
I had the perfect 1st blog, as a trigger for all the others, but I was too anxious to post this one, because then the whole world would know I was a loser. Because that's what I thought of myself. I thought that blog would be the beginning of my new life. That if I wrote from the caverns of my reality, I would not only heal myself, but at the same time I would be allowed to help heal others by being a mirror for them, just as we are all mirrors to each other. And if I were successful at all that opportunity would be lost, because many women cannot identify with that image. We want to, but there is always that nasty little voice that stops us. Calling out, "who the hell are you?" "what do you have to contribute?" or "you are not valuable enough." Exactly that little voice is what I have been fighting against for years. Because I know that life can be magical and effortless. Something inside me knows that, remembers that. And as a human being, I've always known that. But my tangible reality showed a very different picture, which was the exact opposite. That everything was arduous, with 10 detours and a route full of roadblocks and blockages and sometimes even nails on the road. Suffering, painful, dark and complex. That's what my road looked like. And what I felt and believed seemed miles away from what I saw and encountered on a daily basis. And there were so many moments when I wanted to give up. Where I felt "what's the point of it all?" Because if I couldn't live what I felt and believed, why should I even bother? To get up and be knocked down every time? No, thank you! And I think a lot of people are like that in life right now. Especially with everything that's going on. With so much fear and destruction, how can you keep hope? Keep seeing the sun behind so many clouds and rain? (something that is difficult in this country anyway 😉 ). With so much pessimism and terror (also toward Mother Nature), still be open to joy and pleasure? With so much debt and deficit, while our wallets are being tugged from all sides, still experience wealth and abundance?
That, by the way, has always been my stumbling block. Or actually I had several: my whole life was one big stumbling block: after my parents divorced when I was 1.5 years young, after which I grew up without a father, I experienced the first years of my childhood almost unconsciously. Pictures show that I actually existed and was part of life, but I myself have no conscious memories of it. Which is pretty strange, isn't it? As far as I have memories at all, they stem from elementary school days, and even then I can't put an exact age to it, but I see more pictures of what the environment looked like: my school, the schoolyard, friends in the neighborhood, my childhood home, the bedroom at grandma's where I slept during the week (because my upbringing was quite unconventional: I lived with my brother and mother in Driebergen, but because she had her dog grooming salon at my grandmother's barn, I went to school in Zeist, within walking distance of my grandmother, ate and slept at grandmother's all week and went home on the weekends (or not, sometimes I would also stay overnight on the weekends and go to the local supermarket on Saturday mornings with grandmother and her shopping trolley). I had no father, but I did have 2 mothers (who didn't get along very well, by the way) who were bursting with male energy. And although I lacked true feminine energy, I was really a girly girl myself. I wore dresses and patent leather shoes (although I wasn't actually allowed to wear them because my feet weren't quite straight) and loved anything shiny (my mother always said I was like a magpie). I had long curls (which were extra defined at night by twisting papillots into my hair which I then slept with) and, unfortunately, glasses with jam jar lenses, because I had -6 or so in both eyes from the age of six. Whether that was the reason I wasn't popular at school, or whether it was because I was just a little quieter, I don't know. And that I was "different" from everyone else I didn't realize until years later. And that's where the search for who I was and what suited me began.Â
A quest that lasted until my 30th and left a lot of debris in its path (in the form of multiple uncompleted degrees and considerable exploration in the corporate world: from chambermaid in a conference center, through retail salesperson to corporate recruiter within a world in which I felt out of place, while unknowingly going through the pain, guilt and shame of layoff after layoff filled my backpack with all that I saw and experienced, but also quietly losing touch with my true self as I went through each new job interview like a robot, pushing myself at each job to do even better, learn even more, adapt even more and step out of my comfort zone even more. Until it all became too much for me and after the last layoff, to save myself from burnout, I decided to get out of the corporate world forever and started working for my mother as the thing I resisted the most: dog groomer. Confronting that resistance (while also doing life coaching training in the meantime) eventually led to my own business: teaching owners to trim their own Labradoodle or Water Dog themselves." A concept that did not exist until then, with up to then quite unknown dog species, in which I felt free to create for the first time. A concept that did not come from me, but where I felt I was pushed into it by some kind of higher power. Just like how coaching training had come my way, where before I had never even heard of "coaching." Which in retrospect was probably also one of my last ways out, having ignored hints to engage with the other side of life after previous attempts (beautician training, brochure for some spiritual training I was considering). Now, with my Life Coaching training as a background, I could see the common ground between people (and their personal development) and dogs. At least, enough to get started. The rest would come later.
After that brief moment of euphoria that I had finally found something that suited me, came the years of self-sabotage (because having your own business puts a magnifying glass on your self-development). Of not being able to create a good income because I didn't see the bigger picture well enough, because I was at war with 2 sides of myself: the dog groomer and the life coach, and especially because I couldn't settle for what I had and always wanted more. I was plagued by my conviction of "not being good enough," because of all the mistakes I had made in the past. And I had a picture in my head of what my business could be like. As a creator who thinks outside the box, I saw a world of possibilities, even internationally and wanted to go there desperately. So badly, that I forgot the basics and because of all my investments in the future (in trainings, success coaches, expensive websites, webshop and all investments in my personal development, because what I REALLY wanted was to be a Life Coach, but I felt I wasn't ready for that yet) I put my business at risk. In addition, I allowed myself to be led too much by the outside world, causing me to do things that went against my feelings and drifted further and further away from my passion. There were several moments in 11 years that put me on the edge and should have brought awareness (read: change). And although awareness came with it, I still did not see the overall bigger picture and my ego still overpowered my heart.
The 1st blog I wrote in this series should have been a turning point. A channel to bring me closer to my Self as I took the outside world through my experiences, to their own experiences and their Self, like a mirror. But...as they say in English, "I chickened out." I was afraid that people (and especially clients) would see that I was a loser, because that's what I thought of myself. I now know that that limiting, self-sabotaging belief is not mine, but my father's. And that I indirectly projected all the negative things I thought and felt about him onto myself. And that maybe that had to be his role in my life. That I was allowed to become aware of that so that I could heal that part in my Self. Because it's not about money, or shortage. That's just a tool of consciousness. One of many that the universe and Mother Nature have at their disposal. It is about my state of Being. About my light that I have allowed to dim by mistaking all those negative thoughts, emotions, energies and thus experiences for truth. For a long time I was ashamed of my dog groomer self. Didn't want to identify with it because I considered it too inferior. Because I considered myself an intellectual (because from a young age I devoured books, preferably in English and learning came easily to me) and I believed (just as society taught me) that working with the head is superior to working with the hands. And that by paying so much attention to that, I allowed a chasm to develop in mySelf between head and heart, making me further and further away from my feelings. I had to work with dogs because I had to be saved. Because through the dogs, working with my hands (which are an extension of the heart) and the contact with nature that dogs are, I could reconnect with my feelings, reopen my heart and with that the gateway to re-connecting with my true Self. All this time, the solution stared me straight in the eye: as clear as I was in my mission to make owners self-reliant in trimming and grooming their own dogs, because somewhere I knew that in doing so, their self-leadership was also strengthened. It was as unclear to ME that those owners were merely a mirror for ME and that I needed to rescue my Self in order to take leadership of my Self. For the last 2 years or so, I have been constantly proclaiming that learning to trim is the 1st step to reconnecting with your true Self through your dog. Specifically Labradoodles. Why Doodles? Because I felt very quickly that they, with their sensitivity, have their own mission. As a kind of angels (or light beings) on Earth. Because they too are a mirror for their (often equally sensitive) owners and help them open their hearts and reconnect with the nature that is their Doodle. I just always didn't know exactly what that process would look like. The puzzle pieces of that bigger picture kept falling into my consciousness piece by piece.Â
Until it dawned on me this week. Through a Univibes broadcast by Tessa Koop. My inner knowing has grown over the years through all the books I read and information I received, coupled with what I learned in my trainings and my own experiences, suspicions and inspiration (as it works for everyone, I guess). After the findings about my father, my awareness picked up momentum. Early last year I did a Magic Mushroom ceremony in which I had a super magical unity experience. This turned out to be the start of my healing process that led to the healing training I started and my intention to become a healing master, energy master and manifestation master, from the knowledge that I may help other women to heal themselves from within, while I heal myself. And that I may be that mirror and inspiration in that. And although I give online healings in which I get to work with super powerful and magical Sacred Geometry energy, words are also energy and the right words can also be healing. And that's why I write (all my life): because I love to do it, because while writing I gain insights that heal my Self and because I hope to inspire other women (and men) with my words and subconsciously transmit that healing energy. Because although it took me a few months (and tackling old patterns) it is now completely clear to me: everything is one and from the universal truth "so without, as within" everything outside of us is focused on self-healing. As I write about my darkness, no doubt you will recognize something of your darkness in this as well, for everyone experiences the darkness of self-sabotage in their own way. But we all experience it, for all of us are asked to let our light shine. The darkness that obscures that light is created by all that our ego and the collective ego (of the centuries of dominant masculine energy, which has led to the reality we see today) have made us see and believe. It is damn hard to see through that false truth and see the points of light (which is why I will soon start my Daily Points of Light). The awakening that is happening en masse now is nothing more or less than the sun's rays beginning to break through that darkness. This starts with a small piece of consciousness that keeps growing, just until the light is so bright and grand that everything that is still dark disappears like rain before the sun: for where there is light there can be no darkness. And because we have all come here to experience and perhaps even support that process of awakening, everything here on Earth is focused on that awakening. Because it is about your Self and awakening therefore asks you to turn inward and look for the answers within yourself, the entire outside world is aimed at being a mirror for what lives within you.
For me that mirror is in the form of shortage and lack of money, in the form of difficulty and complexity, of the difference between knowing and seeing (my inner world versus the outer world), of subconsciously thinking "I can't really live until I'm ....(successful, rich, have accumulated certain knowledge, be slim, have my shit together etc.; all things we try to accumulate from the outside to fill a hole on the inside). For you, that mirror can be formed by constantly choosing the wrong partners (in love or maybe even in business), working in a job that makes you very unhappy, after all these years still not knowing what really suits you or what your soul mission is, physical or psychological ailments that you just can't get rid of, eating problems or problems with your weight, addictions (note: shopaholics and workaholics are also addicted and unconsciously try to fill a hole inside themselves)...you name it. By focusing on what is outside of you and all that your ego calls out to you (by evoking fear, uncertainty, doubt, pain and other dark emotions and feelings) you can easily override your inner needs. And that is why that outside world is your gateway to the inside PROVIDED you know how to deal with it.
And that is what I am going to preach starting today, because my business is not called Inner Power Healing for nothing. I just wasn't fully aware of my own Inner Power until now and didn't dare to bring it out yet. My truth is quite unorthodox. It always has been and that is why I kept it to myself most of the time; where I felt the world needed certain things (like my trimming workshops for Doodle owners 11 years ago) after implementation it turned out that the world itself was not ready for it yet (while a few years after me the trimming workshops for Doodle owners were springing up everywhere). I thought for a while that because of the awareness my business has given me, I was ready to leave or transfer coat care behind and focus on Inner Power Healing, but I now understand that it may be AND/AND. My years of dilemma about how I could unite both sides in myself has come to an end, and of course it is so simple that a complex head won't come up with it (as simple as universal truth always is): I can integrate both businesses with each other. I can expand the service package of DoodleComfort to include not only a piece of health and healing for the dogs (which I already did in part), I can also add a coaching & healing package for owners who want to coach themselves freely with their Doodle as a mirror and guru!
After all, it's about energy and using the outside world as a mirror for your own self-sabotage/stress patterns (or how they say disease so nicely in English, of which for me the word "comfort" is the counterpart) and that can be children, or the situations you attract, but also dogs. And anyone who has a Doodle has already taken the first step: brought the sun into their home and opened their heart a little bit already. The rest is then a matter of time and focused attention.
True paradise (or the world as you would like to see and experience it) lies not outside, but inside yourself. That sun you so desperately seek is already shining. In fact, YOU are that sun! It is only up to you to make the clouds that are still blocking your sunbeams disappear. By realizing that everything is one and realizing who you are in essence, you will begin to shine more and more. And the more your Inner Power grows, the more powerful you can put yourself in the world and achieve anything you want.
For me as a changemaker and energy worker, the answer lies in energy. Because you cannot see energy, but you CAN feel it. Whereas everything is energy. And energy creates energy. It is only the art of manifesting from high frequency energy, high frequency creations. That is my challenge now. That is how I am going to get out of the consciousness tool of deficit. Because I am convinced that deficit is my trigger, my mirror for the deficit I feel in myself and how I have literally shortchanged myself for years, by not coming out in front of my inner truth and true Self.
I believe that the inner journey to paradise can only REALLY begin once you are aware of what the universe (and your heart) is asking of you and you start following that hint. That magic and effortlessness only manifest when you choose yourSelf. And that THAT is the first step to Self healing. So I invite you to follow my process: my inner journey to Paradise as a warrior of the light.
PS very "coincidentally" I wrote this blog on April 30, 2023, apparently the day of the solar eclipse. Isn't that fitting? See, nothing is coincidence and everything is one 😊
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